Billy Coull's Terrible AI Novels

Introduction

If you haven't heard of Willy's chocolate experience by now, then you're either living under a rock or potentially just not as chronically online as I am. It's awful here, don't even start. To keep it brief, Willy's chocolate experience was an unlicensed immersive event from Glasgow, Scotland, meant to take kids and families through the magical world of Roald Dahl's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" in all but the title itself as it is under copyright protection. Although promotional images promised much, especially with a price tag of £35 per ticket, guests arrived at a nearly empty Warehouse with a scattering of cheap props, downtrodden actors, and unintentional trauma. The event was disbanded within a few hours after angry parents voiced displeasure and the police were called, leading to international news coverage and a deluge of online mockery.

It's also widely known that this whole debacle had AI fingerprints all over it. The script for the actors was AI-generated, complete with such tone-deaf craft bending as giving stage directions to the audience and naming the off-brand Oompa Loompas "Wonky Doodles." Their promotional images were AI-generated. Currently, AI has a hard time with basic anatomical features and the English language, all of which glare at you from this poster. The company that organized the event, House of Illuminati (seriously, how is that not a dead giveaway?), was also built up from AI.

From what I can gather, The Man Behind the meme, Billy Coull, is indeed a flesh and blood human. And if you look at his past work, this allegedly flesh-and-blood human has been one Busy Bee. In the summer of 2023, Mr. Coull self-published a total of 17 novels on Amazon. Now, I don't mean to go off about myself, but as someone who's written books before, it can take years to write one, even one that circumvents the typical querying, editing, and legalities associated with traditional publishing in favor of self-publishing. So I'm excited to hear about how this man was able to publish 17 books in the span of one month. Clearly, he's unlocked some dark satanic chakra that allows him to output years' worth of content in one go. I must know this power.

Oh, I guess the power was but a few clicks away the whole time. Hoo boy, where do we begin? Let's start with the obvious: his author profile. Meet Billy Coull, the Enigmatic Wordsmith hailing from the bustling streets of Glasgow, Scotland. Enigmatic Wordsmith, huh? Yeah, sure, Billy. Remember that word, by the way, enigmatic. We'll come back to it in a bit.

Are you a rising star in the literary world? Look, I admit that all aspiring authors like to think of themselves as rising stars, but generally, that's what other people should call you, not you yourself, Billy. You're not a rising star; you're one star.

Billy weaves spellbinding tales that delve into the mysterious realms of fictional thrillers and gripping conspiracies. You'd assume that these thrillers would be fictional with each stroke of his pen. Billy, come on, bro, have you even held a pen in the last five years? Have you done anything in your life that wasn't derived from a prompt you put into ChatGPT? In case you haven't guessed, this whole author bio was also AI-generated.

The thing about AI writing is that it's not very self-aware, thank God for that, and that it'll output words that sound good but, when read together, come off as redundant, fluffy, and arrogant. I guess you could edit the passage to make it sound better, but with the amount of work that would take, you might as well just write the damn thing yourself. But before we get to Billy's published books, let's check out his recommended books. What's a book that left an impression on you? Oh dear. I think I know where the whole House of Illuminati thing came from.

Illumination: Wisdom from this Planet's Greatest Minds is a collection of quotes from famous figures around the world, with paragraph-length musings about said quotes. The publisher calls themselves Illumin, who are supposedly the PR wing of the actual Illuminati. Wow, it is so nice that this sinister underground sect of radical intellectuals has an author profile on Amazon. It's good to get with the times, I guess.

What's a book you couldn't put down? Oh God. What's a similar book readers would like? Oh no. Now granted, I have read all of Dan Brown's novels, and I proudly display them on my shelf. I'm not saying the books are bad, but it makes perfect sense why someone like Billy Coull would be so fascinated by them. And it isn't because the Illuminati features in Angels and Demons. Why does he like the Illuminati so much? Is Billy Coull an Illuminati member? Or is he just so unoriginal that he thinks the magnum opus of all conspiracy fiction is the Illuminati?

Oh, I know lots of things, lots of things. What's a book readers can get lost in? The Memory Trap: Unraveling the Secrets of... It's the wrong book. God, my head hurts. Alright, let's rip off the band-aid. So yeah, 17 books, all published from early July to early August 2023, all presumably written with AI. They appear to be modern-day thrillers featuring female protagonists uncovering hidden conspiracies interwoven with history and science. You can see where the Dan Brown influence comes in. A select few, however, concern more topical subjects.

Selling Innocence: Rosie Black's Escape from Hell is about human trafficking. Shadows of Deception: Unveiling the Deep State Conspiracy is about, well, the Deep State, I guess. And Operation Inoculation: A Conspiratorial Journey into Vaccination Truths... Deep State Conspiracy (look, he forgot to capitalize his own last name, Jesus Christ) is a mouthful.

Just wait till you hear the blurbs, such as this one: Threads of Enigma. Enigma, remember what I said earlier? You're really going to hate the word enigma when all said and done. Threads of Enigma is a captivating novel that seamlessly weaves together the realms of art, history, and mystery. Through the eyes of protagonist Evelyn, readers are immersed in a world where hidden messages encoded within artworks lead to a journey of discovery that transcends time and space. With each enigmatic revelation, Evelyn forms unexpected bonds with fellow seekers of knowledge and unveils profound relationships between art, history, and human connection. Set against the backdrop of a grieving heart, the novel delves into the intricate emotional landscape of loss and the resilience that fuels Evelyn's determination to uncover the truth. I've never seen so many words that said so little. From ancient manuscripts to celestial constellations (as opposed to terrestrial constellations), the novel's enigma gradually unfolds. My mouth hurts from saying enigma so much. It invites readers to embark on a captivating journey of discovery that showcases the magic of decoding the enigmatic world around us. God damn it.

Oh, I think I get it now. Billy Coull is the Riddler, and this whole AI novel venture was just a dastardly scheme to get Batman's attention. Which I guess makes me... never mind, I've said too much.

Now, I was going to review Threads of Enigma as it was one of two of Billy Coull's novels you can actually buy, as the rest are mysteriously unavailable, until I saw the price tag: $ 10 for the eBook. That is insane. While the page count is respectable, somehow I knew I'd get the gist from the first few pages alone, and the other 400 or so would just be a waste of time. Which is why The Biohazard Chronicle seemed like the better choice: $ 9.99 for the paperback, although I still got ripped off. Look at that page count. Disgusting. Well, whatever, at least I have something to wave around in front of the camera. This is The Biohazard Protocol by Billy Coull.

Before opening the book, we already have problems. As AI-generated covers go, this one isn't the worst, but look closely and you'll see some familiar issues. This girl's hand looks like a PS1 chicken tender. This lady's finger appears to come to an off-colored point. I've never seen an uncanny camera until today. The same lady has heterochromia, and this lady's arms are grossly distended like she had Slender Man somewhere in her family tree.

The comedy continues with a disclaimer. You have your usual statements about how nothing in this book reflects real-world events, but then you have this: The pursuit of knowledge and scientific advancement should always be guided by ethics and the consideration of potential consequences. The glaring irony of this statement aside, this is so indicative of chat GPT as it outputs a similar cautionary disclaimer if you input anything it deems as remotely problematic. Imagine if real books had these sorts of forwards: Please remember that the safety of America's youth supersedes transdimensional shape-shifting horrors beyond comprehension. The presence of killer clowns in small towns should always be handled responsibly and ethically, with the possibility of impactful repercussions firmly in mind. And also, what happens in the sewers stays in the sewers. (If you know, you know.)

The table of contents is similarly baffling, with a slew of repeated words and bland chapter titles throughout. Even just flipping through the pages, I can tell we're in for a bad time. What is this layout? Did the AI just spit out chunks of text at a time without any consideration for style or formatting? The answer is yes, but I'm also here to judge the story if you could even call it that.

The story begins with a brilliant but haunted scientist named Dr. Emily Reed, whose unnamed experiment is sabotaged by a mysterious organization who reverse engineer it into a biohazard and are also orchestrating similar disasters around the world because the lols, I guess. This biohazard is never given a formal identity. It causes fever, fatigue, and convulsions in patients by (and I'm quoting the book here) targeting a specific genetic receptor causing a deadly cascade of events. The scientific rigor here is mindboggling.

Characters proceed to appear out of thin air. There's Dr. Volov, who has a shady past with secret government projects, whose entire family was killed by outbreaks. There's a senator named Lawson, a young girl named Maya whom Emily Reed encounters in the middle of the rainforest who becomes her prodigy for like a page, and a whole bunch of other irrelevant incidentals. I can only describe the structure of this book as an outline of a story with a few things tacked onto each heading. There are scenes with dialogue that play out at a normal book pace, but then there are entire years, scenes, and even climactic fights that are condensed into a few sentences. It's insane.

It also repeats itself a lot, presumably because the AI was stretched for length, which is hilarious considering the text is big and the book itself is thinner than a snail's trail. Things are just flat out explained. The dialogue is as dry and cliché as can be. I know Billy Coull has read books before—four Dan Brown books, granted—but even those have a sense of pacing and style and characterization, things The Biohazard Protocol does not have.

The book will sometimes straight up admit in the middle of the story that it's indeed a book: "The Biohazard Protocol wasn't just a fictional novel; it was a reminder of the power of storytelling to inspire change and reflection." This is at the end of chapter 7 out of 19, and the story just continues on after that as if nothing happened. Billy Coull did not read his own book, but he knew exactly what he was doing, which was putting out poorly composed crap on a whim because he thought he might be able to do something with it.

But then the book does something even crazier: it portrays itself as a book in the story the book is trying to tell. Listen: "As the years went by, Emily's story continued to inspire people of all ages and walks of life. The Biohazard Protocol became required reading in schools."

This is the most oblivious, psychotic thing I've ever read. This book has lore implications beyond my grasp. Is it some relic from an alternate universe where the events in this book actually transpired, sent into my hands via some cosmic rift, or did the AI just confuse itself and Billy Coull is an embarrassing dickweed? Choose your adventure, kids.

Also, the sun dips below the horizon so many times in this book I lost count. I got so tired of reading about the stupid sunset. But I'm sure you're probably wondering what happened after the organization enacted a worldwide spate of bioterrorism. Um, nothing. Seriously, the next 70% of the book is Emily Reed just growing old and inspiring people and becoming a well-respected member of society. Nothing challenging, interesting, or entertaining happens after that first 30%, and then it just ends. It just ends. The book ends, but my suffering did not.

So yeah, not only was this thing atrocious, but it was an insult to everything I am passionate about. And I just can't get over the fact that now Billy Coull is 10 bucks richer, and I have lost five years of my life. Was it worth it?

Now normally I'm against defacing books, no matter how terrible they are. That said, I do not consider this a book at all. I consider it a data output, so that's no skin off my nose. And while it's true that Billy Coull might have $ 10 of my money, the way I see it, I did not spend $ 10 on a book; I spent $ 10 on a paper target. And I also happen to be woefully out of practice, so at the end of the day it's a win-win for both of us.

I missed. Oh right in the heart, let's go, let's go. Holy...

Well, I guess that's the legacy of The Biohazard Protocol. Now, I've been quite jokey throughout this whole article, but this is a topic that merits serious discussion. So let's get serious for a minute.

Billy Coull is not a writer, plain and simple. He has zero passion and context for the creative process, and he lacks a certain conviction and self-awareness that can be found in even the most novice writers. At best, this was an experiment—an experiment that flopped in every conceivable way. At worst, this was a profit-driven narcissist's attempt to wield an incendiary tool like AI akin to a child swinging around his father's toolset with no sense of restraint or consideration.

It's also true that Billy is an extreme example of someone who used AI to scam and denigrate. Now, I am not wholly anti-AI. As someone who worked in the healthcare field, I have seen firsthand how AI can streamline tasks that otherwise might be mundane or potentially influenced by human error. AI is a technology, and the purpose of technology is to make our lives easier. And if AI can accomplish that, then who am I to impede the march of progress?

However, there are some people who will compare AI writing to the automobile replacing the horse carriage. This is where I have to emphasize something that these people just don't understand. Art and technology may intertwine, but they are not the same thing. Art is the medium of creative expression—something that is fundamentally not a technology. It's something endemic in the human spirit, something that has beaten a drum within us all since the dawn of man. No advancement or degradation throughout history has been able to quash or nullify it. I may type my novels on Google Docs, but ultimately, there is zero difference between me and Grog the Neanderthal plastering his handprint on a cave wall. And for tens of thousands of years, that difference has remained zero. Until now.

AI writing is not art. It is a technology. And while someone like Billy Coull might be a morally deficient figure, anyone else who does this, regardless of intent (except if that intent is satire or something along those lines), is also a data puncher. You're not an artist; you're not a creator. And I don't mean this as an insult. I don't mean to denigrate the act or the occupation of data punching. But if that's what you do, yet you call yourself something else, then you get my displeasure, and rightfully so.

Which brings me to my second point. I've also heard the argument that if AI writing gets to the point where it matches or surpasses the quality of human writers, then we ought to support the AI writing simply because it's better. And I can't really argue with that. If you want to go the ultra-pragmatic route, where quality alone is your sole motivating factor, then I can't stop you. Hell, I admire the devotion. I respect your willingness to never compromise your values no matter the circumstances.

But I will say this: I talk about creative expression as something intangible, something unable to be quantified, something that no amount of sophisticated innovation will be ever able to grasp. Some of you might listen to this and call it spirituality. Maybe you'll call it a soul. Some of you might think the concept of spirituality and souls is bullshit. But no matter your religion, your spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof, I hope we can all agree on one thing: that a society that devalues the intangible is a society that's doomed to fail. It is a society that becomes materialistic, cynical, shortsighted, and unempathetic.

Technology is needed. Art is also needed. And the two must remain distinct. If we make art into a technology, to make a facsimile of creative expression, to make the intangible tangible, then we lose something that makes us human. And the more of our humanity we trade away, the quicker we tumble to ruin.

Write a book about that, Billy. That's a conspiracy for you. But if you could just do me one favor and write it yourself.

Keywords

• Willy's Chocolate Experience
• AI-generated
• Billy Coull
• Unlicensed Event
• House of Illuminati
• Immersive Event
• AI Writing
• AI-generated Book
• Modern-day Thrillers
• Conspiracies
• Art vs. Technology

FAQ

Q: What was Willy's Chocolate Experience? A: Willy's Chocolate Experience was an unlicensed immersive event from Glasgow, Scotland, designed to take kids and families through a world inspired by Roald Dahl's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." However, it was poorly executed with cheap props and AI-generated content.

Q: Who is Billy Coull? A: Billy Coull is the man behind the Willy's Chocolate Experience fiasco and the author of 17 self-published novels, all of which were AI-generated.

Q: What are some of the titles of Billy Coull’s AI-generated novels? A: Some titles include "Selling Innocence: Rosie Black's Escape from Hell," "Shadows of Deception: Unveiling the Deep State Conspiracy," and "Operation Inoculation: A Conspiratorial Journey into Vaccination Truths."

Q: Why are Billy Coull's books criticized? A: His books are criticized for being poorly written, redundant, and for extensively using AI-generated content, lacking the creativity and passion of human authors.

**Q: What is the primary argument against AI writing in the article?