RNC Night 3: Heartbreak & Loss | Never-Trumper J.D. Vance's MAGA Pivot | Will Biden Pass The Torch?

Introduction

Welcome, welcome one and all, in here and out there, to the Late Show! I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, and ladies and gentlemen, these people know it but I hope you know it, we are live tonight on night three—this is night three—of the Republican National Convention (RNC). I've been watching for three straight nights and I have discovered that I did not know this: Politicians can be both horrifying and boring at the same time. It's called "boring." The only thing that helps is massive doses of whimsy. Louis, a little bubble music, please!

Each one of these little bursting bubbles represents a tiny piece of my soul.

The first night's theme (Monday) was "Make America Wealthy Once Again," last night's theme was "Make America Safe Once Again," and tonight's was "Make America Strong Once Again." So, to recap the week so far, it goes, uh, MAA, MASA, MASA, and next of course, Mimosa Lies.

Early in the evening, we heard from thwarted Trump VP hopeful and North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum. The last time I was in Milwaukee in this building standing behind a podium was for the debate, and I stood on one leg for two hours. Guys might remember I blew my Achilles the day before. I'm sorry, I don't even remember your name, and I just said it. Is it—is it turd Birdman? What was it? Sorry, please go on, Governor. Serving as a governor with President Trump was like having a beautiful breeze at our back. It's so true. People around Trump are always asking, "Who cut the breeze?"

Then, Governor Birdman talked about how Trump is going to beat China in big tech: President Trump will ensure that there is power for you and importantly, that we have the power as the United States to beat China in the AI arms race. That's right; we must not lose the AI arms race. We must ensure that America's fake girlfriends have the most arms up top.

Oh hey, remember Kellyanne Conway, presidential adviser and curdler deluxe? Well, she was there tonight and she said her old boss was running for all the right reasons. He can enjoy a magnificent life with his incredible five children, his ten amazing grandchildren, and that extraordinary, elegant, beautiful, brilliant wife. Yes, his extraordinary, elegant, beautiful, invisible wife. You can't—I can't see her, but she's got to be here, right? Marco? Marco! She chimed on, "We don't cave and we don't cower and we do not capitulate. Instead, we get up, we show up, we stand up, and we speak up." Please shut up before I throw up. I'm sorry, that was rude. My mother wouldn't have liked that.

Then, official First Son's official fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, took the stage: "I have spent much of my time the last few days in prayer." Me too. Kimberly was big-time angry about how the other side was so angry: "The Democrat vision for America is governed by fear, hatred, and political oppression. Our vision is defined by a love of our country, love for our fellow citizens, and our love of freedom. This is all about love, and don't you forget it, you filthy, thieving immigrants! Now, let's deport them all before they turn our dogs into trans cats. It's woof woof, not meow meow."

Another speaker was a truly inspiring hero: 98-year-old WWII veteran William Peeke. Mr. Peeke vividly recounted his memories from the end of the war: "A few months later, Hitler was dead." Hitler was dead. The Nazis were defeated—for a while, Bill, for a while.

Overall, the evening was quite somber, with several hours devoted to human heartbreak, loss, and tragedy. But eventually, it was time for the main event: Trump's VP pick, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance. We're still learning about Vance; one thing we know for sure is that he has a beard, leading to last night's headline in the Washington Post: "A Bearded Vice President? J.D. Vance Would Be the First Since 1933." Really, Washington Post? The last vice president with a beard was 1933? Let's take a look at that man—Herbert Hoover's number two, Charles Curtis. Does that look like a beard to you? No, it looks like the Monopoly guy ate the Pringles guy, 'cause it's a mustache. As we here at The Late Show exclusively broke earlier this week, the actual last vice president with a full beard was Ulysses S. Grant's VP, Schuyler Colfax, a man so genial that his Republican colleague gave him the nickname "Smiler Colfax." And that's tonight's Schuyler Colfax. Thanks, Schuyler!

Now, Washington Post aside, most people probably know Vance from his memoir, "Hillbilly Elegy," which Disney later adapted into the Country Bear Jamboree. At one time, Vance was an adamant Never-Trumper, but he changed his tune to get Trump's endorsement in 2022, and now he's full-metal MAGA. In fact, he's been called the "MAGA heir in waiting." He's like the son I never had. How many? Okay, then he's the bearded son I never had. How many?

In his speech, Vance tried to claim America's political center: "We have a big tent in this party." It's a holding area where we will eventually keep the immigrants before we deport them. But tonight, we're going to let Rudy Giuliani sleep there.

There's a lot of downsides to Vance, but here's the biggest danger of making him vice president: You'll recall that on January 6th, the only thing that saved our democracy was Mike Pence actually following the Constitution. Vance would have no such qualms: "If I had been vice president, I would have told the states like Pennsylvania, Georgia, and so many others that we needed to have multiple slates of electors, and I think the U.S. Congress should have fought over it from there." Oh no, they're going to deny the election results again, and we're going to have another insurrection. You need proof? I just checked my 2025 calendar and there's going to be another January 6th. It's right there on the first page. How long have they been planning this?

But Trump didn't pick Vance just for his ideology. He has a personal quality that Trump values above all others: Cash. Vance briefly worked in venture capital and has hooked Trump up to the Silicon Valley money pump. Earlier this year, Vance flew to San Francisco to host Trump and two dozen tech and crypto investors at a private dinner. Can you imagine being stuck at a dinner between crypto bros and Donald Trump? What's that? Oh yes, please explain blockchain to me again. Interesting. So, so, it's a lot of numbers? I'm sorry, what's that, sir? Oh, I would totally choose electrocution over a shark excuse me. Waiter, waiter, um, I'll have the chicken à la cyanide.

Over on the Democratic side, it's been a rough few weeks for Joe Biden since his debate performance. He's dipped a tad in the polls and leading Democrats are worried. In fact, this morning, Adam Schiff called on Biden to drop out, saying it's time to pass the torch. Okay, maybe, yes, maybe no, but the important question is who gave Biden a torch? I love the guy, but at 81 his skin is like flash paper.

Then this evening, Jonathan Karl, ABC’s Jonathan Karl reported that Chuck Schumer had a blunt one-on-one conversation with Biden. This election is so stressful that I thought that sentence was going to be "Chuck Schumer had a blunt." End right there! According to Karl, Schumer forcefully made the case that it would be best if Biden bowed out of the race. Is this true? I'm being told we have footage of Biden possibly bowing out. Is that a bow? Is that a bow? It's hard to tell.

Well, things got worse today when we learned that President Biden had tested positive for COVID. It's not working this time, it's not working! Apparently, the first signs of trouble for the president were earlier today when he stopped at a restaurant and reporters noted that he looked slower and more pale than the day before. More pale? How can you tell? His foundation shade is already Casper.

But the good news is Biden's doctor says all of his vital signs are great, and we wish the president a full and speedy recovery. In fact, we wish him a speedy anything! We've got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Glen Powell and Charlamagne Tha God, but when we come back, science. Stick around!

Keywords

• Republican National Convention (RNC)
• Stephen Colbert
• Doug Burgum
• AI arms race
• Kellyanne Conway
• Kimberly Guilfoyle
• William Peeke
• J.D. Vance
• MAGA
• Election results
• Donald Trump
• Adam Schiff
• Joe Biden
• Chuck Schumer
• COVID-19

FAQ

What were the main themes of the first three nights of the RNC?

The themes were "Make America Wealthy Once Again," "Make America Safe Once Again," and "Make America Strong Once Again."

Who is J.D. Vance and what is his connection to Trump?

J.D. Vance is an Ohio Senator and Trump's VP pick. He was once a Never-Trumper but changed his stance to get Trump's endorsement.

Why is there concern about J.D. Vance being VP?

There is concern that Vance would not uphold Constitutional duties, especially considering his stance on the 2020 election results.

How has Joe Biden been performing in the polls recently?

Biden has been dipping in the polls since his debate performance and there is growing concern among leading Democrats about his candidacy.

What recent health issue has President Biden encountered?

President Biden recently tested positive for COVID-19 but his doctor says his vital signs are great.